Category Archives: Teens

Here’s the key to raising your teen…

We have recently had our oldest child turn 13. He’s officially a teenager – and we certainly know it!

In fact this hilarious video below sums up perfectly a pre and post teenager. ‘Kevin the Teenager’ was produced by the BBC in the UK and shows Kevin as a 12 year-old, followed by the transformation once he is 13.

A dad at school put me onto it, and every time their teenage son starts losing the plot they call him ‘Kevin’. They say it immediately pulls him in to line. I have shown my son the video and he laughed. I think he sort of got it…

Now I am no expert on parenting. I may have four children, but that’s where my expertise starts and finishes. However I can probably offer a bit of practical advice.

As parents, now is not the time to back off. To be perfectly honest, this is the time when we want to back off. Our responsible, reliable, thoughtful children seemigly overnight start to drop their shoulders and become lazy. In the case of my son his favorite words from his vocabulary are ‘ozzle’ and ‘seebs’.

I’m still not too sure what they mean, but if you say something like, “Your room is a mess. Come and clean it up;” his response is generally either “ozzle” or “seebs”. So I think it means that he doesn’t really care….

I know a dad going through a similar stage of parenting some years ago who, in not understanding his teenage son, started to pull away. He stopped kissing him and hugging him, giving him the space he thought his son needed. He ended up having issues with his son taking drugs and mixing with the wrong crowd. He now realizes that pulling back was not the answer.

My firm advice to parents is to stay in your teen’s life. Don’t back away. Be involved, even though those days of our children looking up to us seem like they have gone. They need us now, more than ever, and as much as we want to just give them space and let them live their own lives, we need to stay involved.

This is how you deal with an entitled teen

Given 963 million people go to bed hungry every night and 150 million children between the ages of under 14 years old are engaged in child labour worldwide we can safely say that our teens lives aren’t that bad. “Try convincing my daughter of that!” one mum recently said to me. “She hasn’t stopped making demands since she woke up this morning!!”

Parents regularly speak to me about their teenager’s shocking sense of entitlement. On a bad day, they feel like they exist to meet their teenagers every desire and whim, which is not a cool job description for any parent. On a good day, they are frustrated by their teens general disregard for time, money and things.

Research tells us that the number of teenagers refusing to help around the house has almost tripled from 5.6 per cent in 1992 to 15.8 per cent in 2006 . On the other hand, the amount of time 8 to 18-year-olds spend watching TV, playing video games or surfing the internet has increased dramatically to around 7.5 hours a day . That is 53 hours a week!

Before we get up in arms about this generation, I’d like to stop and see the world through their eyes for a minute. They are a generation who aspire to the good life, as found in their ‘news feeds’ every day. But ordinary can never measure up to the highlight reel of happy faces and special places they see. I honestly think that our kids are asking themselves – What can’t my life look like theirs? What is wrong with my family? Shouldn’t my life be better than it is?

I believe that this ‘perceived perfection’ is coming at a cost to our kids who are becoming restless, ungrateful, disappointed, anxious and unable to handle their everyday real lives. That is why we have to work really hard at bringing young people back to basics; where hard work meets outcomes, money doesn’t grow on trees and we all live on an equal playing field. My hope is that these three strategies will help you do just that.

Make Room for Life Lessons
Small incidental lessons like the one I am about to share with you are powerful ways of teaching teens respect. Any instances where you are in the ‘driver’s seat’ are moments you can use to your advantage. Here’s a great little example that shows how easy it is to teach your children that your time is valuable….

Daughter’s Text: I forgot my PE uniform and I really, really need it before my class this afternoon or I’ll be in big trouble please, please bring it and meet me at the office at lunchtime.
Mum’s Text: What’s in it for me? You are interrupting my afternoon.
Daughter’s Text: ummmm….
Mum’s Text: I need the washing done tonight – three loads and hung out.
Daughter’s Text: Okay I’ll do it tonight.
Mum’s Text: Deal.

Mum then drove up to the school and took the uniform to the office. Instead of feeling resentful for having to bring the uniform up or feeling guilty because her kid was the one who forgot it she proudly said to the school receptionist, “I’m getting the washing done tonight for bringing this up!” To which the receptionist replied, “Good on you. You wouldn’t believe how many mums run up here saying it is their fault that their kid forgot it!”

Let Them Say No
Teens don’t like to hear the word ‘no’, so don’t say it. Put the ball in their court. Give them a set amount of money each week and expect them to manage their own purchases including entertainment and take away food. This will force to them make conscious choices and set priorities. If they want takeaway on the way home from school the answers is always, “Sure darling. Got your money?”

Outsource Them
Part time jobs are priceless! I can’t think of a better way to guide a young person than to teach them the value of hard work. If you prefer your teenager to earn money at home, but are tired of arguing about jobs, why not outsource them? Why not get them to do jobs for neighbours or other family members? They are more likely to work hard for someone they are less familiar with.

It’s a challenge not to jump when our teens demand their own way, but we have to remember that our responses will teach them how to treat us. I encourage parents to keep a look out for everyday opportunities to challenge entitlement and reinforce respect and connection. We will notice they are all around us if we keep an eye out for them.

 

Michelle Mitchell is the founder and CEO of Youth Excel, a charity which helps young people make positive life choices during difficult times. As a national speaker, Michelle has a unique ability to transfer years of knowledge and experience to people of all ages and professions. Her latest book Parenting Teenage Girls in the Age of a New Normal is out now and available globally. For more information vivist www.michellemitchell.org.

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